coexistapart's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- some will win, some will lose I realize that I have not been here much. I have been struggling with a lot of demons with regards to going to Jerusalem. I know it is the thing I SHOULD do, and everyone believes in me, but at the end of the day, what keeps me up at night is not even the money so much as knowing that at least 15-20% of me is doing this for my family, for my boyfriend whose own children are unlikely ever to go back to college, for my my boyfriend who would himself like to get a Master's degree, and for everyone else who does not have the guts to go overseas for two years. The ebb and flow lately has simply been that I do not want to go. On and off the last two weeks I spend the day in tears, not at the prospect of leaving Big but terrified I am going to make YET ANOTHER bad decision. I haven't really wanted to write about that, and where I have I deleted the entry before posting it. At the end of the day, I am the most pragmatic person I know so of course I will go. Incidentaly, I have been making somewhat decent progress in removing the entries from this site and editing them for my own personal publication. I started a new site, with a reasonably good user ID; but I have now forgotten the password, because it was so new. Diaryland being what it is these days having your password emailed to you does not actually work. Then plan is to work here and there simultaneously until I am happy with the transition; at that point, anyone who wants that address will have to remove this username from their favourites and then leave me a note. We went back to the Starr Pass for July 4. The hotel was packed to capacity and an absolute madhouse. I expected the worse with Big, so things actually turned out fine; I mean we had been there before, so we knew our own routine and what we would like to do. There was lightning when we arrived to check in Friday, so the pool was closed for about an hour; we stayed inside--the crowds just seemed to get worse when something was closed or busy--and then had drinks on the patio with a really nice couple on staycation until our dinner reservation at 8pm. We had another very nice dinner once again at the terrace restaurant; more hush puppies, beef tips, and I had Frenched lamb chops with a roasted red pepper tagliatelle. Everything was just divine. During dessert the hotel has these paragliders coming down from the sky, doing acrobatics with glow sticks. In general, the hotel had all kinds of free activities going on for the holiday weekend, which made it excellent value for a family of four, but again very crowded from the quiet experience we had two weeks prior. None-the-less, we kind of just did our own thing. Saturday morning we were up early (one hour time change) and I went to the gym; we were done at the pool by Noon, went into Tucson to see a movie during the heat of the afternoon and pick up more snacks at Target. We saw The Proposal. I do not like Sandra Bullock, but I picked the last two movies we saw. This movie was hilarious and so, so cute. I do not generally like rom-com at all, but again--so cute...enough so that I may even buy the movie, and I only have 4-5 favourites like that. When we got back to the hotel, I went to the pool for a little bit, however for the most part it just made sense to stake out a place on the patio for the fire works. It was 5pm, but they have nice drinks and tapas food; Big took his book, I went off to shower and take some sunset cactus photos. I got back in time for the country band to start on the usual American classics; we danced a little, I had a virgin cactus margarita and the fish tacos while Big was really getting into the mojitos. We sat until the fireworks started at 9pm. I fiddled with my tripod (which I have had for over a year but never use because it appears to have too many knobs and dials) enough that I got some absolutely FANTASTIC firework photos. The best speed seemed to be 1/6 or 1/8, or else watching the trail of flame and then guessing when it would explode before hitting the shutter. By Sunday at checkout time (Noon) the place was practically empty thankfully; we stayed on until Monday afternoon and it was just so much more relaxing and quiet. We left at a reasonable hour and ate at the Apple Bakery in Benson, AZ; we have stopped there a couple of times, and it is just good, made-to-order homestyle cooking. We also went to Tombstone, AZ on the drive over Friday, but there was nothing terribly exciting about the Old West town. I leave for Toronto in one week, which means that this weekend will be busy. I have enough errands to run, things I still need to buy that we will not be sitting at home getting sad; on the other hand, there are enough things that I can just opt not to do any of them if I feel like we are not getting enough quality time together. I will write about this more after the next round of editing, but I have been pleasantly surprised to discover that I have changed since 2006. Reviewing my writing, it is not so much that I worried about things that are no longer important, I just notice in myself things that I thought would never change; I have allowed myself to mellow, and prioritize the things that are important to me. I think I have grown up in the last two years in the sense that I have gotten over a lot of my baggage...I have WORKED through my baggage by writing here; I have also been able to grow into the person I want to be, the person my father would let me be, the person who--in many respects--is quite different from my mother. I am more conservative now; yes, in part because of Big, but also because I am ALLOWED to be. Don't get me wrong, I still consider myself left of Center, I am just no longer Canadian-style left of San Francisco. When I look back and read about the food or body issues I had.... I mean I was a lot more confident in general when I got to university in 2004; I divised a plan to start exercising after not having gym for four years, and I acknowledged that my eating was better than most. Four years since then, my eating is in some ways worse, and in some ways the same. Friday of last week Big was off work at 5pm, which was the earlist he had been home after weeks of 14-18 hour days; I wanted to go somewhere to eat I knew we would both really enjoy, so I asked to go to Texas Roadhouse. This would have appalled me four years ago; and while would also appall me if we lived in a city of 500 00, around here it's just a fun thing to do. So rereading my blogs has progressed more to the point of being enjoyable. There is less to delete in terms of what is poorly written or not enjoyable to reread, which makes it more time consuming; but some memories I truly appreciate, and had forgotten entirely. I am working on a entry of "favourites" as I go along; actually there will probably be several, so I will likely post one here soon. I think that is it for now; I will try to write more this week. Song of the Day: Don't Stop Believin' 10:11 p.m. - 2009-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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