coexistapart's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it's not like I'm Ann Coulter here Just a brief entry because I feel an introspective & self-evaluating entry at Starbuck's coming on for tomorrow. I know I've been a way a little bit. I didn't mean it, I really didn't. Like several fellow bloggers have been saying for a while now, as soon as you stop writing you stop holding yourself responsible for not burrowing down at home each and every day. You have to write and admit what you're doing (or not) so that you stay on top of your sanity. But last week was hard. I felt really hurt. Some things that are just so far off my radar in terms of being important to MY life led me to be frustrated, and feel like I had hit a brick wall when I have so many other brick walls in this maze right now. It's like I already have a hard enough time getting up every morning, not sleeping through another day, that I really don't need to know that you feel like I'm some bourgeois scum. In fact, I'm not sure the last time I remember that anyone cared what I was. Once I stumbled through the middle of the week, last week's round up included Gracie's first birthday (Emmanuel's daughter, Big's second grandchild) on Thursday, and then the anniversary of my father's death on Friday. I remember when Gracie was born last year I knew I was supposed to smile about one of those close coincidences where life brackets death, but for now all I can see is it being an unwelcome reminder. I was emotional on Friday, more so than in past years, but not any more so than I've been the past eight months. I just feel like I've dropped so far, fallen so far behind instead of being ahead or on par. It's difficult, but I'm not going to get into it now. Big sent me flowers on Friday. I knew they were coming because I check his Blackberry whenever I see it lying around because the Gmail menu is very straightforward and I can see what's going on with eBay without really opening a browser and dealing with unimportant issues. Obviously it also opens directly into his email (convenient, if I was ever concerned) and I saw the whole slew of confirmations. Flowers arrived via FedEx completely trashed; the delivery woman suggested I just refuse delivery to make my life simpler in terms of getting a refund. It was probably just as well, because while they look (from the photo) beautiful, I always have a hard time knowing if they're flowers to help me with RTC or for Valentine's Day. Sometimes I just prefer flowers for my birthday in December, and our anniversary in March, and nothing in between.... Either way we keep things pretty low key as I'm liable to go mental without any warning. Saturday morning Big made me breakfast in bed. Thankfully it was just sort of toast and tea and muffins out of a cellophane packet because I really only picked at the food. He got me a cute card and the Jon & Kate plus 8 memoir that just came out; if you disregard my birthday present, he's actually had a couple of times now where he's got me exactly what I would want if I were to pick it out for myself. I'm very picky that way, and men just seem to be so far off track sometimes. We went to Sam's Club, the post office, he went to Wal-Mart while I went to Starbucks; I got some photos at Target that I needed for a birthday present, and then we dropped in on the gun trade show. By the time we went to lunch at Pizza Uno and the bookstore, it was dinner time. The neighbour came over to get Big to tie his new V-day tie so he could propose to his girlfriend; wouldn't you know that Big can't tie a tie so *I* ended up doing it? I felt terrible because the house was a mess, Big's piles everywhere. If I stop and think about it it's upsetting because I want to live in a state where I am always ready for company, whereas Big just wants to live uninterrupted. The evening was quiet and just as I would like it where I was on the computer and then scrapbooking, listening to music while Big watched a movie. Very low-key. As I said, I wondered where the day had gone when the neighbour came over. We had gone to Cattle Baron for dinner on Thursday, and that was fine by me; it just seems stupid to arbitrarily brave the crowds on the 14th. Sunday we had another picnic, this time grilled chicken and asparagus and potatoes at the park. Talked about going to play tennis, but Big was somewhat upset after speaking to his younger son who's wife is now pregnant with their third child. Every time he is surprised when they get pregnant, and I'm not really sure why; it's not like they use birth control...although on the phone, apparently, Emmanuel literally said to his father "we only forgot that one time," as though that makes a difference. So Baby Zeus will be three in June, and Gracie just turned one, and now they have another one on the way for September. And Tiffany, being the "bright" girl that she is, is still going to Haiti next week, without all of those basic safety shots that the State Department recommends (probably she was just putting it off, or they can't afford them) and now she really couldn't get them if she wanted to as I believe many of these shots are not recommended for expectant mothers. So pregnant and going to Haiti, leaving N.A. for the first time. Sounds like fun. Monday was an army holiday. I don't even remember what we did...? Oh wait. No actually Sunday afternoon we stayed home and read before Spoon's gf's birthday party, and then Monday we had the BBQ. Her party was just---ugh. She's 25 or 26 and it was just a typical college round up with hot dogs and too much booze. I was unimpressed and feeling slightly ill and not in one of my moods where I was willing to make an effort to get to know people (most of the time I just don't care what happens or what people think) and in my head I had another one of these meltdowns whereby I have not had a birthday party since I was 11. Not looking for pity here, but at YUS I got tired of the constant cycle of everyone on fb setting up and throwing themselves a birthday party; every year I want to have a birthday party, and every year I feel like it's selfish and stupid for ME to throw a birthday party for MYSELF, and yet at the same time I get so irrationally SAD that I have not had a birthday party since I was 11. This is one of those exact issues where people who don't know me look and say "oh she's privileged, she's got everything" and I just want to scream and say I don't have a family, I haven't had a birthday party in years. I just wish I could give it ALL BACK TO BE NORMAL. A birthday party...a cake, well wishers, maybe even some presents? Is that too much to ask? Another five years and I'm going to be at the point where it's no longer acceptable to celebrate my birthday, ever. Yesterday Big stayed home from work because he was very sick. Big has never taken a sick day in the seven years that I have known him, so you have to know it was bad. He moped around the house most of the day being cold and clammy; I felt slightly claustrophobic because he was his typical self and wouldn't take medicine, wouldn't just sit and watch a movie, while I was trying to get some things done, be helpful, and at the same time get out of the house. Today I did a whole lot of nothing. I was having a typical day where I felt really sad, unable to focus, unable to care. I went to the gym at around 1pm, that turned things around a little. Went to Starbuck's for a while and did the same thing I would do here at home (stare at my computer, mostly) but had a frappucino and forced myself to eavesdrop on the gay guy sitting next to me. Big & I went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner only because I've been talking about it for ages and there's cash to burn when the eBay payments come in. Those sweet buns are going to be my downfall. Tomorrow Big is driving in to work with Spoon again. I will ship some more eBay items and see what else sells. I did $320 in sales today, the bulk of that just prints to a repeat buyer that I'm hoping will keep repeating. I'll probably end up at Starbuck's again--I have a good idea for writing exercise. I'm reading a couple of good books, slightly obsessed with A&E's "The First 48" that I DVR daily, and just generally trying to stay out of trouble until I get an answer in the mail. Pool is still closed or I would be sun worshipper again. I haven't had Caliche's in about 10 days as I need to keep working hard at the gym. The Oscars are this weekend, and I think we're finally going bowling. Already I'm going to be going to Boston in three weeks, which I'm starting to look forward to as then--regardless of an answer--I will be going HOME, to Canada, for three weeks, at least. Need to book my Boston flight next Friday. Tonight I just discovered that I can use my 60K in points to fly anywhere in Europe for free (or close to it, $200) and then get a flight to Israel from there or, if I'm not going to Israel, just go to Italy or Paris for a week to perk myself up. Generally, otherwise, I'm trying not to think too much. 11:08 p.m. - 2009-02-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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