coexistapart's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feb is one third over I spoke to Kimberley on fb chat one day last week. I was telling her about all the strange dreams I have been having, which can usually be blamed on stress affecting my already hugely overactive mind. Last week there was one regarding roadtrips and school and getting lost. Then, just two nights ago, it was a dream about the girl kicked off Top Chef last week--Jaime, with all of the tattoos. We were cooking something simple (lunch maybe) and then off on a crazy adventure. Last night it was that me, my father (deceased), my mother (estranged) were going to a random, mid-sized suburban house--that looked like it belonged on Alta Vista, in Ottawa--for Brangelina's birthday party. Now I gather this came from the last thing I viewed on the internet last night before going to bed: Brangelina wearing a black dress with a yellow stripe (COLOUR!) to the Baftas. I guess I should be grateful that it didn't involve the book I'm reading ("My Lobotomy") but it was just bizarre; there were all of these rooms with semi-celibrities hanging out: housewives of Orange Country, Edie Falco, Jennifer Hudson, and various NBA players. They even set up a court & grandstand to watch for a major portion of the party; Brangelina's kids were all running around and I either played or help punk others with the little Asian ones. Then I sat in the crowds, not sure if I could use my camera once or twice--the whole thing was a surprise event and I was just thinking "hey, I know I can get a good shot with my camera and I want to be the one to send the breaking news and get my first name on the Perez post "BRANGELINA HAS SECRET PARTY/LOVE NEST in OTTAWA, CANADA! LOVES BASKETBALL AND CHEEZY REALITY TV." Obviously I'm grateful it's not nightmares, and clearly prefrontal lobotomies would be fodder for that, but um yeah--still weird. Last week was uneventful. I was pretty much not well all week; I'd eat very little during the day and sleep a lot at night. Throw in a daily mental breakdown and everything was just peachy. I lost 5-7lbs, which was helpful because a lot of it was just unecessary food weight, but after last night I'm just back to thinking I need to return to the gym every couple of days and get a personal trainer if I want to do anything about my thighs. I have to take new measurements again today, but it's just frustrating. I miss walking and expending more than, like, 5000 calories a day. Saturday Big and I had a picnic at the park on Walnut. We just decided to take books, blankets and laze about watching our buffalo burgers cook on the charcoal grill. There was lots of people around having birthday parties that day. I was not so much hungry, but did eat the burger as the first real food I'd had since the Super Bowl party last week; then, yesterday, because I was feeling better I had that backlash where all of a sudden for a day or two you're hungry and eating everything in sight because of the novelty. Yesterday I went to church and I don't know what it was, but I just could not pay attention to the sermon. Granted, I was barely awake as I woke up 20 minutes before I had to leave, but in my defense the guy sitting two seats over from me was even scrolling through his Blackberry! I think the pastor was trying to make the message personal, e.g. I've been going through health problems the past month with this DVT, which has led me to think about Psalm 107 in this way, but it just didn't seem to resonate with me. Thankfully, one woman's message about this mullberry tree accident did. The pool in the complex is still closed. Something about a screw in the circulation drain--I know I've mentioned this before--which is mostly just complete rubbish. Part of the reason we went to the park is because all of the nice lawn chairs and tables to spread out on are cooped up in the pool patio area, which they've locked in an attempt to keep people out of the pool...probably only because they want to save money on chemicals by not treating the water properly while it's on the fritz. I was frustrated because I had another run around with Bank of America this week. I was very, very close to just plain closing my account; I just get so frustrated that it takes days for items to get reflected in my activity (Big says I just need to balance my chequebook) whereas in Canada people have not been balancing checkbooks for YEARS--basically since I got a bank account at the age of 7. Everything is instantaneous. They don't give you checkbooks, they don't teach you how to balance them, and they don't charge you if you go, say, $15 in the hole without overdraft. I had three small charges, like $5.98, $11.72, and $28 and then $105 in Bank Fees. It's positively criminal. All of this led me, during that day's meltdown, to realize that the novelty of "living" in America is GONE and I HATE IT HERE. There, I've said it. People in Canada are nicer, and the quality of life is better, and--frankly--as much as this is the American dream for some, it's a nightmare for others; there are just so many institutional, bureaucratic things that could be done better (ARE DONE BETTER IN THE REST OF THE KNOWN WORLD) that remain antiquated here because they can get away with it. Like this banking stuff. Just last night Big was watching a motivational, self-help finances video he got from Spoon. It was talking about how the banks lend money they don't have--basic principles of economics, which I did in high school--and he was just shocked and appalled! Apparently he did not know this. And I said, "Well, even you know that banks only guarantee your first 100,000 amidst failure--and only some banks at that--so you need to spread your money out if you're really, really concerned about it. Where do you think that principle comes from if they have all the money to begin with?" The whole me hating being in America thing is hard to explain. Part of it is probably an allegorizing (not the right term) but investiture of all of my current feelings into something that maybe doesn't deserve it. In the past I never thought of Canada or Canadians as excessively polite or anything particularly unique, but now I just loose my patience when Americans are so needy, and selfish, and NOW--RIGHT THIS minute, and IT MUST BE PERFECT--I DESERVE IT whereas in the past I'd overlook that behaviour in favour of, say, lower prices on consumer products, sales taxes, and just plain neat things that you can only get in Canada. Now I just kind of want to run for the hills and have my home and native land back. I think that's a very large part of why I realized at Christmas I would very much like to live overseas. It's neat, truly, but I am also a PROUD CANADIAN. It takes being away from home to realize that. AND I'm not saying I'm any more proud, or loud, about it than say the average person or a stars & bars American, but there is a lot to be said about the heritage, country, and culture of Canada. Again, you could knock me for being white, anglo-saxon upper middle class and having no "sense" of reality for some people, but Stephen Harper, Japanese internment camps, residential schools, the Chinese head tax (etc.) aside, I'm proud to be Canadian--and it's hard(er) to show that here than I thought. Also: Obama is not my president, and I get tired of hearing about him all the time. Another part of it, which I won't really go into now as it's still fermenting in my mind, is this idea of leaving things behind, changes, shifts, departures. I was thinking about in conjunction with something I heard Delilah say the other day. And then when I got to thinking about it, it certainly made sense--particularly for me and the way I've lived my life since I was 12 years-old. Sure I miss Stephanie, Amy, Burt, some aspects of the pool, going out in Toronto, etc but I need to dissect that properly because really, with the exception of my "favourite" places (Balzac's, Yummy, Pho Hung, Chinese bakery, Fresh, cheap sushi, Pusateri's, etc) and all of the various things that Toronto represents, it's not such a stellar city. It's about the change and departure and why most people avoid it, while I generally embrace it without even thinking.... I have a bunch of birthday cards I'm working on this week; most were going to go out tonight, and arrive on time, but now that my BOA went into the negative, the eBay profits I transfered are basically going to be senselessly eaten up and I won't be able to send most things until later in the week. We did ok yesterday. Sometimes when I get a Best Offer and accept, the transaction just kind of flies under my radar. I sold a print for $315 yesterday after church, and then about $112 in sales last night. That's $450 in one day, which is hardly bad, but for some reason it just doesn't "feel" as exciting as when you watch your current sales totals grow past the 400, 500, 600 mark. Big rented "The House Bunny" on PPV the other night, and how BAD was it that I recognized the 2007 Playmate of the Year as a random extra in the first scene, from me having watched too many episodes of "Girls Next Door?" Then Big called me in towards the end of the movie for a cameo that even HE recognized (also from having been forced to watch "Girls Next Door") of Hef with Briget, Kendra, and Holly (formerly) in the master bedroom. Just checked my investments now, because I felt like it. *Knock on wood* things appear to have stabilized around 170 for last Friday. That's down from 220 18 months ago, but that was an inflated high. Capital was 189, then 199, then 209 in 2005-2006, remained the same for one year including growth and my expenditures, then went down in 2007 (leading to me cutting myself off in 2008) because I think I spent 8-15, and then I did nothing for 2008 to allow return growth--it mostly stayed the same--until 5.5 (I think) right before Paris. So you figure 220 down to 200 real, then minus 20 for expenses, means a loss of, only, roughly 10 which is basically the 3-4% annual movement that conservative funds talk about. I think next time I see Nina we need to talk about long-term because I always think of this money as one lump sum that should stay the same for the rest of my life, if not grow, but then JABU was saying, like, as long as you have some for retirement you don't need to hold on to it until you RETIRE because you're 22. I have a hard time changing my mindset I think. I'm worried about spending it all because some days I went to buy things at Tiffany's and spend $2000 on new clothes (some of which I do need) then the next day I realize how frivolous that is when you think of long-term potential. Still, certainly don't want to drop below 150 during these economic times just to get this M.A. I don't feel it would be a prudent decision when I could go back to work and get a job amidst the global unemployment. I've been talking about this for months, but yes--I do feel like I need to outline some resolve before I get some choices. Pay day this Friday and Valentine's Day this weekend. I'm not sure if it's just Big being weird or Americans truly don't take it as seriously as the B+ list holiday it firmly is in Canada. He's always sent me a very generous bouquet of flowers (I think last year was 3 or 4 dozen) but it never occurs to him that we should go out to dinner or a movie or something date-y in the days before--never on the 14 as it's insanity. We were thinking maybe going to Phoenix to use our movie coupons to see a couple of movies, get In-n-Out burger, go to the cactus park, the ostrich farm, and see a hockey game on the cheap, but we do have to be back for Spoon's party for his girlfriend on Sunday; I'm going to take ribs and cookies, buy her a plant or something zen to help her with her generally bad disposition. Alternately, depending on eBay this week, it might just make sense to stay home and work on cleaning out the storage locker, go shooting and bowling in El Paso...keep things more low-key if we're generally ambivalent about going anywhere. I'm going to be in Boston this time next month, and Big will be leaving for the wedding one week later. March promises to be a busy, possibly exhausting month. Incidentally, I called Anthony last week to check in on him; he will ask his sister if I can stay at their (dead) mom's apartment. That will affect how long I stay in town, though tentatively I'm thinking longer rather than shorter...maybe 17 to 7? As it is Big will get back from the wedding, exhausted, on the 1st; it would give him time to unwind and an excuse for me to stay longer, though at that point--if I'm not up North and not helping to clean out the apartment--I'm not sure what I would be doing. There will be basic things like dentist and storage locker and Canadian taxes, plus possibly a baby shower for Juanita but all of these things cost money; I should call tonight and find out when the re-evaluated inservice is. I could probably make some expense money while I'm there, as the school term will be just about over and people will want time off. Who knows. We'll see. Song of the Day: The Climb 10:42 a.m. - 2009-02-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||