coexistapart's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- trying not to be a well slinger I actually, mostly, wrote this entry in its entirety yesterday, but then lost the whole thing when I thought I was simply switching users in Windows Vista, and not logging out. I think I had some really good insights yesterday about being back in New Mexico, and now it just seems like I've been here forever and I don't have too long to write because I am both starving and on a time crunch because I have some important documents coming back to me fairly quickly. I returned from Canada Monday night. I had the most wonderful time spending the week up at my aunt & uncle's country house, along with all of my cousins and their kids who went skiing most days. It was relaxing, yet productive. I slept, I rested emotionally, I took stock of what was bothering me. I cooked, cleaned, and organized as a way of "earning my keep" because I still always worry that I am overextending my welcome. I am fairly certain that my aunt new that I was lying outright when she asked me some things, but it was easy to give off the impression of being generally despondent and depressed by life that it didn't matter so much. We must have had about three feet of snow all week. It was absolutely beautiful, downright glorious to be sitting on the couch, by the fire, reading and watching these massive flakes drift down. Or alternately, to be at the computer doing a nominal amount of work in the peace and quiet between the kids coming back from the ski club and my aunt & uncle taking quiet time. I should have done more walking--the one night I shoveled the driveway for exercise I realized how much that would have also added to my week--but on the whole I didn't force myself to do anything. Woke up at a responsible hour most days, had breakfast, helped with cleanup; read or crochet, put together lunch, helped with cleanup; undertook laundry or some other sundry projected, baked dessert, helped with dinner, and then cleanup; played cards, worked on the jigsaw puzzle, watched world junior hockey, had a cup of tea in front of the fire, and went to bed. When you are feeding 10-14 people for most meals, it's not surprising that preparations and cleanup easily takeup up an hour, even with low-key soup and sandwich meals, but it helps to just be busy with mundane physical tasks. I appreciated being surrounded by family, even if at times I found it challenging. I read Rudy Pausch's "The Last Lecture" and in it he talks about how excited his wife was to discover that he was not mad that she dented the car, but then she was upset that he did not want to pay to have it fixed...how she could not be happy about one thing and not the other, you can't divorce the two...you get one AND the other. The similarity to that story is I can't be very happy to have all of these cousins in my life, who love me and care for me, and then wonder why they ask about my life...nose into my personal affairs, or so it seems. It's not their fault that I'm not accustomed to anyone caring. If I want to have them in my life, I have to accept the OTHER things that will come with that blessing. It was a nice week. I'm very glad that I went even though the $425 ticket turned into $530 on my CC. It also made me think about what's been wrong with my life lately, how I've been lacking real direction and purpose. Making meals and enjoying the simple outdoors, as well as intellectual pursuits such as reading the daily newspaper and a novel made me think about how far our society has come in terms of falling down the ladder. So you come to your 65th birthday four years from now and what do you think you did? You realize you spent all of your time on Facebook. I don't spend more than 10 minutes a day, but for some people...how will you be able to measure (in a healthy) way your progress and development on the internet. And I think I do an OK job in terms of scrapbooking and cooking and crocheting...tangible projects that I measure my life wtih, but it's not just about that but also QUALITY of life. Being in the country really does make you focus on what matters; I was able to make do with less than an hour of dialup everynight and that was plenty as it was because I wasn't even focusing on anything of substances. I'm sure if my email contacts knew that's how I lived, I could get away with going 2-3 days. It made me think again of living in the country, growing up with the sun on your face, enjoying the seasons unmitigated, having a garden, maybe some chickens, a partner with whom you can enjoy outdoor pursuits. And a large city really is only 1.5 hours away. Obviously I've said this before, but I would love to own their property. Then again it's location and the cost (for a five bedroom home) probably doesn't make sense. Then again, my cousin's mother did just day earlier in December so now he's going to be liquid enough to make good success on his realestate career. Speaking of which, my cards in the safe right now because I've fallen off the wagon just about as bad as Oprah on her January 0 cover. Apparently I've left all kinds of people excited by my last (real) entry where I said I had all kinds of personal developments to reveal. I think that's probably overstating the obvious; what I spent the holidays thinking about are issues that I have ruminated many a time here in private. I mean, unless I've been keeping it from myself the last two monthis while I've been depressed, everything should be here. I'm still applying to the Master's program. I always have been, even though I have really not been of the mindset that it is the right thing for me to do. I hated the experience I had for my undergraduate degree, and while I'm certainly not saying the same thing will happen with a Masters, I'm just not feeling the desire to be broken down again (without being built back up) unless it's purposeful.I guess all of this was internalized because Big hadn't realized that I'd been in a stage of disinterest for quite some time. I mean it has always been that if I were to get a substantial scholarship then I would go, obviously, but now I've decided that if I DO get accepted then I will go to Jerusalem for a week and see if this is a good fit for me. Otherwise, I'm turning up the heat on my summer language school applications. At this point there really is no way to solve the modern Hebew versus Chinese (Mandarin) dilemma. I mean they are important for different things: if I'm doing my MA, then obviously starting Hebrew before I get to Jerusalem would be helpful as I do need to achieve a certain standard of proficiency at the end of two years. On the other hand, Chinese is a good language that would help in a foreign service application, in which case do I need to be doing it this summer if I'm not sure that I would write the exam during the first year of my program? On the other hand, if scholarships were to be flung my way, then I'm always a dreamer mitigated by pragmatism, so we shall see. If none of this works out, I'm just back to square one, working in Aquatics, which--frankly, so long as it's not back at YUS--doesn't seem so bad or pointless. I'm hoping to have all of this sorted out sooner rather than later. It does not solve some of my immediate concerns, but it would get some people off of my back. The other issue that I realized during the past week, which I largely already knew, is this gilded cage syndrome of being here without really having any money...my own paycheque that provides this lack of dependency. Sure I can use my own money, but it doesn't solve the dependency issue because I put Big at the heart of "making" me do that when he knows how it makes me feel. And I liked how in 2008 I didn't spend so much time complaining about doing that as in 2007. That part WAS good. I've already maxed out for the next six months, so really the only thing is to go back to work and obviously my options, here in America are limited. It's exhausting thinking about the whole thing. It also just starts to get me upset emotionally that we can't talk about anything. But anyway. It's not worth getting upset over that when there are so many other good things, particularly that he's improved upon. Today is mixed; I have some good things I've done, others work I'm just avoiding. It's hard to feel like anything "matters" when you're just dealing with it on the internet. I really should get going, though already today feels like a complete wash. I've ditched the public blog in an attempt to simplify during 2009, so I'll be posting my Song of the Day feature--which I got quite taken with--here. Song of the Day: Blindsided 10:02 a.m. - 2009-01-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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