coexistapart's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- low beta I had a really nice weekend. Friday was kind of iffy because I had very little success with my rewriting my personal statement--more on that later--but Big managed to come home from work early for some reason. I carved a pumpkin and did some scrapbooking in from of the TV while we watched "Faith of our Fathers." Friday night I was a little upset because I could not find the completed medical form for my M.A. program anywhere; I ended up just needing to go to bed because I found it with little fanfare on Saturday. Saturday morning I dropped Big off at the GOP headquarters to make phone calls for the McCain campaign between 9am and noon. I went off and dropped off the recycling, picked up too many groceries at the farmers' market (I forgot we are going to Denver this weekend....), picked up a new stack of books from the library, a muffin tin, that sort of thing. I picked up him and then we went to Delicias for lunch; it's a local dive that does local food at local prices. Think Tex-Mex style but with pobra quality ingredients to save money. Mid-afternoon we got back home and I went out to sit by the pool and read; I love Saturday afternoons because in some ways it's actually quieter because there seem to be fewer people around. Mid-summer there are obvious more people, with everyone and their sister bringing their kids over to play, but Saturday it was quiet with me, the old guy who likes to swim, soak in the hot tub, and then swim; and this middle-aged woman who drinks diet Pepsi and reads romance novels. I got back to the house just as Big was getting ready to go out to see Rudy Guiliani give a speech. I spent most of the evening reading my book, working on my personal statement a little bit, and then I did my nails and watched television in the bedroom--which I never, EVER do. (I really disapprove that we even have a tv in the bedroom, but it rarely gets used more than once or twice a month.) Earlier in the week Big and Spoon had talked about going out drinking Saturday night; when Big moved here last year, and Spoon was the only unencumbered person who lived near by who had the time and money to go out on a Saturday night, they would go out once or twice a month when I was away. I don't have a problem with them going out now, but both decided this week that they didn't have enough money; Saturday night I guess they had a change of heart because Big came home to change his shirt and then he and Spoon went off. I went to sleep briefly but then they had me pick them up around 2:15am. Sunday Big went back to the GOP offices; I went to a church service at the Presbyterian church across the street from the compound. It was small, and a little bit more down the spectrum of the kind of church that Emmanuel attends--everything I've ever been to has been very low tech and "old school"--but the minister was very nice, homey, and you certainly can't beat the convenience. I took communion and felt much better than I felt in days and months. Nothing has been weighing me down particularly, but I just felt BETTER. Big came home and we went to the local Renaissance Fair briefly. It was ok, especially considering the size of this town, but they only had 8-10 food vendors and I was starved. So we drove up to Hatch, NM for the AMAZING burgers & BBQ at Sparky's. Mark my words it's going to become a regional favourite; the burger was just insane, to die for, like nothing I've ever tried before. And ostensibly it just looks like a regular Joe-the-plumber burger one a Wonder bun with American "cheese." Divine. Came home and spent part of the afternoon just lazing about the house. I made some meatloaf for dinner, and Spoon came over to play Scrabble. None of us were really hungry, but we had a great visit. At this point I just have too much food going on in the fridge, and not enough people to feed. Looking forward to the week ahead...today I'm optimistic. I was really upset yesterday that Anna sent me what appeared to be (I skimmed them only briefly because they appeared to be so frank) remarks on the draft I sent her about my Personal Statement. I also sent it to the last guy writing my letter of reference with a fairly honest email, that could be taken any number of ways. Thankfully I've separated my life at the moment now that I use Gmail for eBay-related work, so I can get away with not checking utoronto for a day; I need to let things simmer. Today is pretty wide open, which I find very exciting. I haven't posted things on eBay since Thursday--I have about 22 on the go at the moment. Current total is $533 and that could easily double with some of the high ticket items. No real dinner to cook tonight (so many leftovers), and today is not a gym day; I don't have the car so there's much I can do in the way of the very small number of things I need outside the house. I wouldn't mind sorting through some of my cooking recipes, but I wouldn't mind just reading and watching television. Big is taking the day off tomorrow, helping with polling stations in the morning and then we are having company for returns in the evening. Friday we are leaving for Denver after working, staying through until Tuesday I think. The house is fairly clean, and I'm on top of laundry, shipping, plus I just ordered some photos online last week, so I feel like I'm in a pretty good place. The book I'm reading right now is a quick, non-fiction read about life at Harvard Business School. I love insightful fluff like this, but it's also timely because he talks about being an insecure overachiever, high class problems, and our inability as overachievers to find discreet, personal success after we have been publicly lauded for everything from sporting events to community service. And that personal success does not necessarily just mean "balance" either. It's heartening. The bad feedback on my second or third draft personal statement yesterday was certainly not uncalled for; as Big pointed out, I sent a document to a doctoral student who is used to TAing classes and providing feedback. She has MY best interests at heart. Maybe I should have prefaced it more with "I know it's bad, but..." if I expected to be let down gently. Whatever. It sent me into a tailspin for about an hour going I know I love religion, I know I'm smart, but I'm just average smart when you take me outside of the bubble of privilege that I've long experienced. I miss being cajoled and encouraged that I can do anything, when the reality is that I can't do everything. The world is just not as supportive as Posh or Camp Elite or even work at the pool. It's frustrating, and you have to try not to be cynical. We were talking about this briefly in the car yesterday; I didn't really want to get into it too much. I think the one good thing I have going for me is that I am not opposed to just doing work for the sake of doing work, I'm not going to wait around for the perfect job or experience. I can teach, or waitress, or work in fitness as need be. I'm not above bringing in a paycheque, although given my temporary residential situation that's pretty much just me working from home for the moment. I don't have some idealized vision that I'm going to keep floundering and throw money out the window; either this winter or next summer it's going to become apparent that I will have to move back to Canada to train so I can attend the CIA or I will have to work towards something else. Anyway. I'd better go now so I don't get hijinked into not moving onto eBay next. 8:42 a.m. - 2008-11-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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